Ready to Bloom

To protect the other party, this praise will be super vague. But I was praying for a friend Friday night. And tonight I experienced answered prayer! It was beautiful.

It's a little funny that I feel called into the House of Prayer and find myself almost surprised that God heard my prayer and chose to answer. That my request moved His heart to response. My faith and belief are so weak sometimes. I have too much head knowledge. I know the doctrine or theology but don't believe it. Not enough to trust in it. I wanna get to that point. Where my heart is ravished by Him. Where I walk in confidence of who He says I am. Where I am described as loving, joyful & compassionate. It will be uncomfortable to get there. Life as I know it won't get me there. All the more reason I want to be in the House of Prayer. To sit at His feet. Hear Him talk to me. For Him to show me His heart. For me. For others. To see Him move in, around & through me like never before. It shall be a season in the Refiner's fire. Intense. Painful. Yet beautiful when I come out of it with the lies and self-doubt burned away. I will get there. And I will die a thousand deaths to get there. It will hurt more than I think I can bear. For I can no longer live. It must be Him living in me. That is where true beauty is found. I am His garden. And I've avoided His pruning shears long enough. The weeds of my life are slowly strangling me to death. I want to bloom for Him. I cannot make myself bloom. I cannot will it to happen. But He can. And He wants to change me into a beautiful blooming garden. Beauty that draws others in. Beauty that causes others to gasp in awe of His ability.

Caught in the In Between

My goal for today was to sit and write about what was on my heart. Or on my mind. Or what God was teaching me. But every time I tried to think about what I wanted to write, I kept coming up with a big fat blank. Didn't feel inspired to share anything. Nothing witty. Thought provoking. Meaningful. Not even significant doubts or fears. Lessons not yet learned. And I decided I was going to write anyway. Sometimes there are days where you feel like, despite your best efforts - well, some effort, you are just drifting along.

Maybe the lesson is to press in on days like this. Or to purpose to look for His beauty in something. Or maybe it is just to find peace and rest knowing I am His. Even if I don't feel Him there. Even if I don't hear Him saying anything.

I found myself in a weird mood tonight. Nothing wrong, but not yet content. Something feels missing. And I'm not sure what it is. Could be knowing there is more to my life than what I'm currently doing. Maybe it is knowing there are promises from Him so far unfulfilled. Maybe He tried to draw me away today and I missed it. Maybe He had a nugget for me and I didn't want to go look for it. Maybe He is showing me how this world is not my home. That I was made to long for heaven. To gaze upon His beauty.

I feel caught in the in between. Between what I'm doing and where God has called me. Between where I'm at and what He promised me. Between this world and heaven. Neither one are home just yet. Feel like an alien in both. Maybe that's what Paul means when he talks about the path being so narrow. Others can't go with you on your journey. Because it is yours - not theirs. You must walk away from friends & security to continue walking toward Him. ... Can't help but feeling lost in the in between - even when I know I'm on the right path headed in the right direction.

What do you expect?

Funny how busy life can get. I seem to be a master at filling up my life and staying busy. But I'm not so convinced that I really get all that much done with all the chaos. And I am letting others determine my schedule and day more and more. Relying on others for transportation had definately been humbling, but how do I learn to be a good steward of my time when I am not completly in charge of when I come & go? Lessons still to be learned.

Not that I don't have a fair share of frustrations in life right now, but the overwhelming cloud over me is hopefulness. Expectancy. I honestly believe God is moving in Macon right now. I don't know what is coming, but I know that something is coming soon. I believe revival is coming to Macon. And not just a revival meeting. But widespread heart change. Turning back to God. Expectant of God. Believing God is who He says He is. Believing we are who He says we are. Sons & daughters of the Most High. Possessing all power of the Holy Spirit. Capable of every good work of the Holy Spirit. To encourage. To prophesy. To heal the sick. To impact the world around us for the Kingdom. These things are coming. And I believe they are coming soon.

the beginnings

I'm starting this blog as a way to document my own thoughts as well as to communicate what all I am learning & going through to those who are partnering with me. This is the best way I know how to communicate what is going within me to those I cannot have frequent face to face conversations with.