Friendly is not a good thing

Every time I think I might be about to pull out my lows, something seems to pull me back down. I've been pretty disappointed at the "friends" in my life for a while now. I've been fooled so many times with confusing someone who is friendly as someone who is a friend. The two might seem similar but they are very different. A friendly person will smile when they see you. They may say "hi" as they walk by. Their eyes are inviting. You feel comfortable with them. Like you are safe to let down your guard. So I have. Let down guard that is. I share my fears. I allow myself to feel connected to this person. We may even share some laughs. I walk away with a sense of contentment. A sense of hope. Hope that things might be improving. That I might have found a confidant. A partner in crime. Someone to lean on. Someone to pour energy into. And that will pour their energy into me. Because that is what friends do. But it doesn't happen. If I don't text first, I won't hear from them again. If I don't start the conversation, we may smile, but we don't communicate. If I don't instigate a social gathering, we are regulated to running into each other wherever we may have met. Work. Church. Coffee shop. Whatever. After years of this confusion in my life, I'm left feeling likable but not lovable. Maybe I'm too needy. Not having family or close friends will leave you that way. Maybe it is because I am not a happy person. Maybe I am too insecure. Never really knowing love would make anyone question every little detail as to what caused this lack of connection and love. Maybe it is because I expect you to hurt me. Repetitive hurts would make anyone a little "gun shy." I still try to overcome these hurts by trying to trust again. To be the one who makes all the effort. How many times can you let the same people continue to hurt you before it becomes foolish? Where is the line between hopefulness & foolishness? At what point do you walk away for good? Is there ever a point where you ask those that have hurt you why they don't want something more from you? Maybe a change of scenery is what is needed. Maybe when I am able to post for a promotion I should consider looking for something in a new city. Would starting over somewhere new even change anything? If the problem really is me, then a new location will have the same outcome.